drifter*

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what ednos feels like
  1. one day you’re eating 200 calories, and the next day you hit 2000 or more. 
  2. you feel like you don’t have a “real eating disorder.” 
  3. you try and tell people about your tortured food feelings, and they look at your healthy BMI and say: “mmm…yeah..well it can’t be that bad can it?” 
  4. you go through a lot of crap, and still end up the same weight that you were two years ago. (Which, of course, looks healthy and normal). 
  5. all this agony and you don’t get any validation from it — there’s nothing to SHOW what you’re going through; you don’t even get to be “thin.” 
  6. you’re an exercise freak but don’t get to see the benefits, because you’re a binger too. And, all those hours feel like a waste sometimes because you don’t have the beautiful body you ought to have. 
  7. you read these threads on the anorexia and bulimia boards and agree with everything, but still feel like you don’t fit there. 
  8. on a good day you go out to eat, and are instantly triggered by the girl that orders a side salad with dressing on the side. 
  9. you hate that no one notices all the shit you go through in your head because your weight hasn’t fluctuated enough to gain attention. 
  10. you can loose 10 pounds in 2 weeks …. then gain back 12 in a few days. 
  11. one day you fast, and the next day you’re eating a weeks worth of food …. then comes the choice to purge or not to purge. On good days you don’t, and on bad days you do, eat more and crawl into bed.
  12. you still control the bad food you eat - blotting the grease off pizza, drink diet coke with a “fatty” meal, have low calorie dressing on a fatty sandwich, etc. 
  13. when you’re really upset and can’t decide whether to restrict or binge. 
  14. you start every day with the intention of restricting your calories, have nothing until lunch, and then still fit in 2000 calories before bed. 
  15. you’re embarrased to tell people that you have an ED cause you’re at a “healthy” weight. 
  16. you try to secretly diagnose everyone you know with an ED. 
  17. you feel like you’re so fucked up/incompetent/worthless that you can’t do ANYTHING right/normally — not even develop an ED. 
  18. after a major binge you’re scared to drink water because you’ve gained enough weight already.
  19. you feel like a fraud for having nothing to show for all your suffering. 
  20. you keep telling yourself tomorrow is a new day, and it never is. 
  21. even if you do try and diet somewhat “normally,” you loose nothing because your metabolism is so screwed from years of this shit. 
  22. over the last 8 years you have lost a total of 100 pounds, and gained about 125. 
  23. you starve/restrict all week knowing full well you’re probably going to binge on the weekend. 
  24. you can’t decide if it’s emptiness or bingeing that you crave the most. 
  25. you can’t sleep one night because your stomach is growling, and can’t sleep the next night because you’re so pissed at yourself for bingeing.

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